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    A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk,
my son.  Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had
before.  Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat.  You'll
be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."
    He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal ... it's
called golf."

When primitive man screamed, ran about wildly and beat the ground
with sticks, they called it "witchcraft."
When modern man does the same thing, they call it "golf."

"Dennis, how come you're using two caddies today?"
"My wife tells me that I don't spend enough time with my kids."

"Hey Smith, why don't you help your wife find her ball so we can
play through?"
"She found her ball.  Now she's looking for her club."

"How'd the golf game go today, dear?  Did you win?"
"No, but I got a lot of practice.  I got to hit the ball more
than anyone else!"

"Doctor, we've got an emergency! My baby just swallowed all my
tees."
"I'll be there at once."
"But tell me what to do till you get here, doc?"
"Practice your putting."

"How's your golf game these days, Frank?"
"Pretty good.  I'm shooting in the low seventies."
"Honestly?"
"What the hell has that got to do with it?"

"I went golfing with Scott yesterday," the attractive student
told her sorority sister.
"Does he use the woods well?" asked her friend.
"I really don't know," sighed the first girl. "He insisted on
playing golf all day."

"I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this
course," sighed Mac.
"Try heaven,"  advised the caddie.  "You've already moved most of
the earth."

"Sweetheart, today is our wedding anniversary.  Do you remember
that great day in our lives?"
"Boy, do I!  Why, that was the day I sank a twenty-five foot
putt!"

   A golfer shows up for his regular foursome except instead of
his usual partner he brings a gorilla with him. The other two
guys are shocked at first, but then start ribbing him a bit.  He
scowls, "Shut up and watch this!"  He tees up the ball for the
gorilla on the first hole, a par 5, 520 yd. hole.  He hands the
gorilla a driver and the beast hits the ball 519 yds.
   "Oh, man," groaned the other two golfers, "this is going to be
a long day."
   So the other 3 men play their balls down to the green.  One of
the guys on the opposing team shakes his head.  "The gorilla is
lying in one, his score is going to be fantastic!"
   "Not really," said the gorilla's partner, "there's this one
minor problem."  He hands the gorilla the putter and the gorilla
drives the ball 519 yds.

    A golfer who was well into his golden years had a lifelong
ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California the way the
pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the
green that is on a spit of land that juts out off the coast.
    It was something he had tried hundreds of times without
success. His ball always fell short, into the water.  Because of
this he never used a new ball on this particular hole.  He always
picked out one that had a cut or a nick.
    Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again.  When he came
to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent
prayer.
    Before he hit it however, a powerful voice from above said,
"WAIT ... REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL."
    He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact
that the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him
finally achieve his lifelong ambition.
    As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down
again, "WAIT ... STEP BACK ... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING."
    So he stepped back and took a practice swing.
    The voice boomed out again, "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING."
    He did. Silence followed.
    Then the voice spoke out again. "PUT BACK THE OLD BALL."