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              In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
                  Includes some late night humor
                   reprinted without permission

WARNING CONT: May also be offensive to child abusers, men who wear
women's clothes, the American justice system.

White House representatives say there is no chance of avoiding a
government shutdown by midnight tonight. Bureaucrats also warn that
their backup supply of red tape could be exhausted by December 1st.

Colin Powell removed himself from the bid for the presidency, saying
that it would require "a calling that I do not yet hear." Bob Dornan and
Bob Dole heard the calling. What they didn't know was, it was a prank
call.

Former Vice President Dan Quayle said that Colin Powell wouldn't have
made a very good President because when the chips are down, Powell might
not be willing to go on the offense. Of coarse, you remember when Powell
was hiding in Vietnam, Quayle was bravely protecting the Dairy Queen in
Bloomington, Indiana.

People magazine reports rumors that prosecutors Marcia CLark and Chris
Darden will marry. Geez, a girl goes through a guys briefs a few times
and people think you're an item. Can you imagine, Darden on one knee,
trying to put the ring on her finger... "It doesn't fit!" They'd better
hope Judge Ito doesn't do the ceremony... he'll limit them to one
conjugal visit a week.

Marcia Clark and Chris Darden did sign multi-million dollar book deals.
They tried to sell their story in court, but they couldn't get the jury
to buy it. Just goes to show... even if you are inept, you can still
collect!

Meanwhile, OJ Simpson is still searching for Nicole's real killer. He
says he'll find him, even if he has to search every sand trap and water
hazard in America.

Jimmy Hoffa Junior is trying to succeed his late father as Teamsters
president. He's out campaigning, trying to cement his relationship with
union members.

The Cleveland Browns are the latest to make plans to move - the letters
NFL now refer to the length of time a football team will stay in any
given city - Not For Long.

An Egyptian mummy from 1000 BC was scheduled for a CAT scan in a New
York hospital last week. Due to Medicare cuts, she'll have to wait in
line at an HMO for another 600 years.

Underwear manufacturer Fruit of the Loom is closing eight plants. The
company is trying to improve their bottom line.

After an argument with a flight attendant, a drunk investment banker
defecated on a service cart. His lawyer is now trying to plea-bargain
the charges down from a number 2 to a number 1.

Duke University scientists say that sperm may follow scent to find the
egg. Researchers say that if this could be altered, they could create a
male contraceptive. Of coarse, this is all premature speculation.

Michael Jackson is selling his rights to the Beatles collection to Sony.
I can understand why he might need the money. He's married now. That's
another mouth to feed, not to mention another couple dozen mouths he
needs to keep shut.

An Oklahoma inmate is suing because the prison won't allow him to wear
women's nylon bikini briefs. He was put in a padded cell... to match his
bra.

California Controller Kathleen Connell is auditing the states prison
system. She's disputing the accounting. Wardens apparently thought that
if you have a $25 debt, you should only have to pay $8 with good
behavior.

Doctors at Johns Hopkins say that two drinks a day may prevent heart
attacks in older women. They already know how a couple drinks affect
younger women. Doctors at TGI Friday's shared research with them.
(In case you didn't know, TGI Friday's is a bar/restaurant)