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Microsoft acquires another ..........., CYBERSLAYER.co.uk - jokes
MICROSOFT to Acquire LDS Church
SALT LAKE CITY (AP)- In a surprise move that left competitors stunned,
Microsoft has followed up its successful merger with the Roman Catholic
Church by announcing a cash buyout of the Church of Jesus Christ-Latter
Day Saints. In recent weeks, high officials of the LDS Church (more
commonly known as the Mormons) had been rumored to be in negotiations with
both Novell and Lotus, but the Microsoft move came as a complete surprise
to most industry/religious observers. With much of Microsoft's
competition based in Utah, many current employees of Word Perfect and
Novell commented (anonymously) that they would feel morally obliged to
jump ship to Microsoft. Novell is countering by pointing to
non-competitive clauses in senior personnel's contracts, and urging
conversion to the Reorganized LDS Church, with whom Novell has entered
into hasty negotiations.
Microsoft spokespersons officially denied any intent to pirate Novell
employees with this move, though they indicated that they were willing to
sell Novell their Eastern Rite Catholic subsidiaries to avoid anti-trust
action.
According to the official press release, Microsoft CEO and Pontiff Bill
Gates said, "We've been hoping to acquire the Mormons for a long time.
They're a fast growing organization with a large, mobile and highly
dedicated sales force which will work synergistically with our worldwide
Catholic retail outlets. More importantly, we're acquiring the LDS
"convert-the-dead" technology which we will incorporate into OLE 3.0
(scheduled to arrive in the next versions of Windows and Windows NT,
currently codenamed "Rome" and "Jerusalem" repsectively)."
Gates went on to say, "This will expand our user base to generations of
users who never before had the chance to purchase Microsoft products."
Microsoft insiders who declined to be quoted predicted record profits from
requiring deceased church members to purchase annual upgrades in order to
maintain their eternal salvation.