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YOUR HOROSCOPE

Aquarius: Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a
great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again.
People think you are stupid. A snake would be an idea pet for you.

Pisces: Feb. 19 to Mar. 20
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the
CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent
you for your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and are generally
a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals. Your dog wants
to bite you.

Aries: Mar. 21 to April 19
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick
tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are not very nice. Please
clean out your cat's litter box.

Taurus: April 20 to May 20
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work
like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are a
communist. Rush Limbaugh loves you.

Gemini: May 21 to June 20
You are quick and an intelligent thinker. People like you because you are
bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This
means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.

Cancer: June 21 to July 22
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They
think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why
you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer
people. You need to learn how to wipe better.

Leo: July 23 to Aug. 22
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo
people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your
arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are known thieves.

Virgo: Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening
to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep
while making love. Virgo's make good busdrivers. Your pet rats like you.

Libra: Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you
are a man, you more than likely are queer. Chances for employment and
monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are good prostitutes. All
Libras die of venereal disease. You should flush your toilet more often.

Scorpio: Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You're shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall receive the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio
people are murdered. Trade in your ant farm for termites.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22 to Dc. 21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely
on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or
dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal. Fleas look good on you.

Capricorn: Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of
anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.
Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as they are apt to be
mistaken for inanimate objects. Do you really think Dan Quayle is intelligent.