Simulating The Gestalt Of Skiing (Conditions Skiers Face)
Tore up you knee playing sports this fall? Are your buddies already razzing you
about missing the skiing season? No problem. One needn't actually ski to experience
the gestalt of skiing. Just simulate the psychic and physical sensations. Here are
13 ways to duplicate those ski thrills and really pin the fun meter in the red zone.
- Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're
tailing an 18-wheeler. Stop at any gas station that serves food. When the waitress
asks what you'd like, order an upset stomach, because that's probably what you'll
get anyway.
- Visit you local butcher and pay $22 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour.
Afterward, burn two $50 bills to warm up. It's not real skiing but it's close.
- Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray sandblast your face.
You'll almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaking gun.
- Sit under a sun lamp wearing goggles to get that chic raccoon look.
- Wear apre's ski boots everywhere-even in the shower. For the best effect, get the
boots that look like two dead Afghan hounds strapped to your calves.
- At the nearest hockey rink, walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying
two pairs of skis, loaded accessory bag, and poles. Make believe you're looking
for your car.
- For ski-boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a
C-clamp around your toes.
- Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. This will save you from losing
it later.
- Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $3.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in
the longest line.
- Speaking of lines, stand in any movie line on the coldest day of the year. Inch
ahead with the crowd but don't go in. Do this 12 to 18 times.
- To simulate losing a ski in deep powder, spend a lot of money to fly to a Caribbean
resort. When you arrive toss a Krugerrand onto the beach. Then try to find it.
- To simulate glade skiing, take a jog through the woods - with your eyes closed.
-
Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough
to make the ticket lacerate your face.
NONE OF THESE ACTIVITIES IS SKIING, BUT ALL OF THEM SURE FEEL LIKE IT !!