www.cyberslayer.co.uk

 


The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, who CAN eat just one potato chip, please tell me
> this:
>
> We've got a betting pool going on with regards to famous matchups in
> history.  Who would have won these?
>
> Bach vs. Beethoven
> Rembrandt vs. Van Gogh
> Aristotle vs. Kant
> Da Vinci vs. Kepler
>
> (just so you know, my money's on Bach.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle resurrects Aristotle and Kant, and places a open bag of
}       Ruffles before each.
}
} Orrie:  "Now, who can eat just one?"
} Aristotle:  "Why would anyone not want to eat just one?  One is the
}       measure of all things, from which all else is built.  One is
}       unity, and symbolizes purity.  Therefore clearly I could eat
}       just one."
} Orrie:  "Yes, well you still haven't tried them."
} Aristotle eats a chip, and another, and another.  "Mmmm.  Very good."
} Orrie:  "Hah!  So you can't eat just one."
} Aristotle points to the bag of chips.  "This?  This doesn't matter.
}       What matters is thought, and a have logically shown that I can
}       eat just one."  [munch]
} Orrie:  [turns to Kant]  "How about you?"
} Kant:  "Clearly we can't discover anything by just thinking about it.
}       We must perform an empirical experiment."  [Eats a chip.]
}       "Yes, I this is evidence that I can eat just one.  However a
}       single experiment conveys little information.  We must verify the
}       results." [Eats another chip.]  "Yes, this corroborates the first
}       experiment. Still, more evidence would be helpful."  [Eats more
}       chips.]
} Orrie:  "It appears neither of you can eat just one."
} Aristotle:  "What!  I have logically proven that I can eat only one."
} [munch] Kant:  "And I have-"  [munch]  "-performed many experiments
}       showing that I can eat just one."
} Orrie:  "Thank you gentlemen."  *POOF*
}
} Oracle writes down on clipboard "Aristotle v. Kant --- both lose."
}
} Orrie:  "Hmmm.  They ate all my Ruffles.  Now I'll have to perform
}       some different tests."
} An art dealer suddenly appears.  "Zat am I doink here?  And zo are you?"
} Orrie:  "I need you to appraise these."
} Dealer:  "Zwa?  Es dis an original Rembrant?  And dis a Van Gogh?  Vere
}       did you get dese?!"
} Orrie:  "The curator of the Hermitage had a question... But that's
}       another story.  Which is worth more?"
} Dealer:  "Dese are both priceless!  Rembrant and Van Gogh zere both
}       brillant painters!"
} Orrie:  "Yes, but who's the _winner_?"
} Dealer:  "Vell, de Van Gogh ist probably vurth more, because Van Gogh
}       painted less.  Ee ad a miserable life, you know."
} Orrie:  "And Rembrant didn't?"
} Dealer:  "Yes, dat's right."
} Orrie:  "So Rembrant was the winner, but if you want to be a winner
}       you'll own the Van Gogh rather than the Rembrant?"
} Dealer:  "I suppose...."
} Orrie:  "Thank you."  *POOF*
}
} Oracle writes down on clipboard "Rembrant v. Van Gogh --- Van Gogh died
}       penniless and insane.  Rembrant wins."
}
} A musician suddenly appears.  "Hey!"
} Orrie:  "You're a classical musician, aren't you?"
} Musician:  "Yeah.  Who are you?"
} Orrie:  "I'm the Usenet Oracle.  You owe the Oracle a autographed
}       original of one of Mozart's compositions.  And try to grovel when
}       you ask a question."
} Musician:  "What's going on here?!"
} Orrie:  *Zot*  "Remember what I said about grovelling?"
} Musician:  "OWWWW!  Ouch, oww."
} Orrie:  "Who's more popular, Beethoven or Bach?"
} Musician:  "Geee, I don't know."
} Orrie:  "Who's more widely known then?"
} Musician:  "More widely known?  What do you mean?"
} Orrie:  "Who's work reaches the farthest?"
} Musician:  "Well, Beethoven's Fifth Symphony is on those records that
}       NASA puts on those space probes."
} Orrie:  "And Bach's work is not?"
} Musician:  "Not that I know of.  But they also have 'Johnny B. Goode'."
} Orrie:  "Thank you."  *POOF*
}
} Oracle write down on clipboard "Bach v. Beethoven --- Bach loses to
}       Johnny B. Goode.  Beethoven wins."
}
} Orrie:  "This is too much work."
} Oracle writes down on clipboard "Da Vinci v. Kepler --- Da Vinci is two
}       words and seven letters.  Kepler is only one word and six
}       letters. Da Vinci wins."
}
}   Supplicant, here are the results you wished for:
}       Bach vs. Beethoven:  Beethoven wins
}       Rembrandt vs. Van Gogh:  Rembrandt wins
}       Da Vinci vs. Kepler:  Da Vinci wins
}       And in philosophy no one wins.  Remeber that philosophy majors
}               when you get out into the real world.
}
} You owe the Oracle some bags of Ruffles potato chips to replace those
} eaten by Kant and Aristotle.

		

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