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In The News, CYBERSLAYER.co.uk - jokes
In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor
Reprinted without permission
President Clinton has pledged air power to the UN effort in Bosnia. He
would like to send tanks, artillery and other heavy weapons, but they're
all needed as evidence in the Waco hearings.
The Democratic party has offered dinner with the President for a
$100,000 contribution. When Bill Clinton said he'd be the President of
change, he didn't mean small change. If that's a little out of your
budget, $1,000 gets an invitation to events with Hillary, and for
$19.95, Roger Clinton will come to your dinner party with a tuna
casserole and sing.
Senator Bob Dole celebrated his 72nd birthday. At his party, they played
"pin the blame on the President".
The latest proposal for simplifying the IRS tax forms promises to be
efficient. The tax form will be printed on a postcard, and the audit
notice will be printed on a rubber glove.
The former deputy director of the LA County Museum of Natural History
has been charged with embezzlement. Everyone is asking the same
question: LA has a museum?
Dr. Rolando Sanchez, the man responsible for removing the wrong foot
from a diabetic patient, has operated on a patient's toe without
consent. I guess this little piggy went to the lawyer.
Sears' CEO has retired. A new chairman has been picked out, but he
doesn't look anything like he did in the catalog.
Miss America officials had to clarify their telephone ballot. They say
eliminating swimsuits doesn't mean the women will parade naked. Now,
thousands of us will have to vote again.
John Denver stands trial next month for DUI. His record company is
surprised that he drove his Porsche into a tree - it's his first hit in
15 years.
Kids these days seem confused. They used to waive a gun around when they
played cops 'n' robbers. Now they use one when they play post office.
A San Diego County sheriff's deputy was asked why the nation should look
to that city for leadership in law enforcement, rather than Los Angeles.
"Our guys proved they could stop a tank," came the response, referring
to a recent armored vehicle chase. "Their guys couldn't even stop a Ford
Bronco."
The first question from the two Americans freed by Iraq was, "Hey, how'd
that OJ trial ever turn out.
Now that it's something like week 28 of the trial, if OJ does finally
walk, he's going to need a cane.
A defense witness says he heard someone shout, "Hey, hey, hey," on the
night of the murders. The mystery is solved - Fat Albert did it.
Men who have been watching this trial should have learned one very
important lesson - PICK UP YOUR SOCKS!
The OJ workout tapes have been selling like hot cakes. He recommends
power walking. Here's how it works: you commit a crime, hire a bunch of
power attorneys and then walk.
Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream has three new OJ inspired flavors: "Berry
Sheck", "F. Lee Bailey's Irish Cream", and "Andrea Mazzola Granola".
EuroDisney is finally showing a profit, thanks to staff reductions. Of
course, visitors now only get one Pirate of the Caribbean, and the Main
Street Electrical Parade is Mickey with a flashlight.
A new therapy for impotence has been developed. It is injected directly
into the penis. It's called Caverject, and wouldn't you know it, it's
made by Upjohn.
Another device to aid impotent men operates with a simple remote
control. This will bring a whole new meaning to fast forward. Talk about
VCR Plus!
David Hasselhoff plans to open a new restaurant with a "Baywatch" theme.
Customers order their drinks by cup size: A, B, C or Pamela Anderson.
Michael Jackson is hiring a new agent. The self proclaimed King of Pop
doesn't shell out a million bucks to just anybody. You've got to have
excellent credentials - or a court order.
A new study (don't ya love these?) shows that a growing number of men
would rather have pot roast than sex. In two minutes sex is done (they
say), but with pot roast you get sandwiches for a week.
Last Saturday was the convention of the Dictionary Society of North
America in case you missed it. Apparently, things got out of hand when
delegates started exchanging words.