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               In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
            Includes two from Saturday Night Live Fake News
                    reprinted without permission


When President Clinton visited the troops in Bosnia last week, the local
battalion greeted him with a 21 gun salute. They did, however, promise
him that next time they'll wait until Air Force One lands.

The New Yorker reports that Elizabeth Dole raised $50,000 of campaign
cash illegally and made a bundle on an insider stock trade. Can you
believe her? Some women just can't wait to be first lady.

Well folks, it's apparently true, Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley
are getting a divorce. It had to happen, they're both so different.
She's more of a stay at home kind of girl, he's more of a homosexual
pedophile. (SNL)

Federal employees in Washington have had quite a break - first the
shutdown, then the storms, the King Day holiday... if this drags on any
longer, they're going to miss their vacations.

OJ Simpsons new video, "The Interview" went on sale lest week. The most
entertaining part is when Kato Kaelin warms up the audience with his
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK jokes. When you call to order the tape, you hear:
   "If you want to buy the video, press 1"
   "If you want to buy the story, press 2"
   "If you want to buy Brooklyn Bridge, press 2 again"
   "If you are currently dating OJ, press 9-1-1"
The tape can also be found at your local LIEbrary.

George Burns turned 100 this weekend. We don't really understand the
secret to longevity yet...

Let's hope Pauly Shore doesn't figure it out. (SNL)

New York City is expecting 20,000 potholes as a result of all the
snowstorms they've had recently. City officials are concerned that there
may not be enough streets to accommodate them.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian plans to open a chain of suicide shops, starting in
Los Angeles. He's buying a fleet of vans and hiring Domino's drivers -
you could be dead in 30 minutes or less. He's not sure what he'll call
the shops yet - thank goodness "Jack-In-The-Box" is already taken.

Florida has passed a law outlawing sex with corpses. "Lord, grant our
citizens sex with their wives, not sex with corpses, and the wisdom to
tell the difference."

Adidas is catching some flak over its new shoe called the Hemp. Athletes
say the shoes won't help you jump any better, but they definitely help
you get high. The company has agreed to change the name of the shoes -
to Mary Janes.

Researchers have found a "sleep switch" that turns off the brain when
it's time to go to sleep. Women have known about this switch for years.
It goes, "Can't we just cuddle tonight?"

A study by the National Cancer Institute reveals that children just
naturally don't like vegetables. They just figured this out? Isn't
amazing that a cure for cancer escapes these geniuses? When they asked
children if they liked okra, 17% of them said they preferred her to
Sally Jessy Raphael.

A used car chain has announced its new "no dicker" policy. John Wayne
Bobbitt is the obvious choice for corporate spokesperson.

Public profanity is on the rise. To help fight the problem, Jean-Claude
Van Damme is changing his name to Jean-Claude Van Darn,

And finally this week, Kate Moss turned 22...

Pounds