The Canonical Collection Of Light Bublb Jokes
- Q:
- How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
- Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the
experience.
- Q:
-
How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians who have
come up to relate to the experience.
- Q:
-
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A1:
-
None of your damn business!
- A1:
-
50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.
- Q:
-
How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
- Q:
-
How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
Three: One to write the light bulb removal program,One to write the light bulb insertion
program, and one to act as a light bulb dministrator to make sure that nobody else
tries to change the bulb at
- Q:
-
How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
Both of them.
- Q:
-
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
Two. One to change the bulb and one not to change it. Note: 1 to change and 1 not
to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four. One to change the bulb.
- Q:
-
How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
Billions and billions.
- Q:
-
How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light
bulb was.
- Q:
-
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored
machine tools.
- Q:
-
How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
- Q:
-
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist,
and one to bill it all to Medicare.
- Q:
-
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
- Q:
-
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
- A:
-
You can unscrew a light bulb.
- Q:
-
How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their
subordinates to actually change it.
- Q:
-
How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incandescent
Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
left blank", and 20% of the definitions ar e of the form "A ------" consists of
sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
- Q:
-
How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
- Q:
-
How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
Two: One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!"
- Q:
-
How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
- Q:
-
How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
- Q:
-
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
- Q:
-
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
None. That's a hardware problem.
- Q:
-
How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
- Q:
-
How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license
fee.
- Q:
-
How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
- Q:
-
How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb?
- A1:
-
None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.
- A2:
-
None of your damn business!
- Q:
-
How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it.
- Q:
-
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...")
- Q:
-
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside)
- Q:
-
How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
- Q:
-
How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
- Q:
-
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
- Q:
-
How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the
point where they need light bulbs again.
- Q:
-
How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
- Q:
-
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
Three, but they're really one.
- Q:
-
How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
- Q:
-
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
That's not funny!
- Q:
-
How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
- Q:
-
How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
- Q:
-
How many
does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
- Q:
-
How many strong
does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
- Q:
-
How many
gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
- Q:
-
How many people does it take to throw away a one Watt bulb?
- A:
-
Five: A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
- Q:
-
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
None. It turned itself in.
- Q:
-
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old one
for the next 10,000 years.
- Q:
-
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
How many can you afford?
- Q:
-
How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
- Q:
-
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with
a man.
- Q:
-
How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
None. There never *was* any light bulb.
- Q:
-
How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!
- Q:
-
How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
One-third less than for a regular bulb.
- Q:
-
How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
Two: One to get a Tab, and one to call Daddy.
- Q:
-
How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
What kind of answer did you have in mind?
- Q:
-
How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder.
- Q:
-
How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
- Q:
-
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising
twist at the end.
- Q:
-
How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes
a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity
reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.
- Q:
-
How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
Who says it's dark?
- Q:
-
How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
- Q:
-
How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
- A:
-
50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.
- Q:
-
How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light
bulb?
- A:
-
Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny
narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing
a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to
the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out
bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile,
Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity
is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to
the United States.
- Q:
-
How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
- Q:
-
How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?
- A:
-
Many hands make light work.
- Q:
-
How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A:
-
Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.