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history of santa clause, CYBERSLAYER.co.uk - jokes
History Of Santa Claus: The Untold Story
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1689 - Spanish-German explorer Santa Claus discovers the North
Pole, and establishes a small base camp.
1691 - Because of harsh and meager living conditions, Claus' crew
abandons him.
1692 - Claus is rescued by the Viking ship Hvorfor. He returns to
Europe, bringing some items with him from the North Pole.
He finds he's able to sell them quite easily, making a small
profit.
1703 - Claus saves up enough money to buy a small ship and crew, and
returns to the North Pole. Upon arriving, he finds his base
camp, half-buried but still intact.
1704 - Claus returns to Europe with a shipload of North Pole
artifacts, and is successful in selling them. He makes enough
profit to increase his crew, and buys building materials to
expand his polar base.
1705 - Claus returns again to the North Pole, and builds quarters
for him and his crew, and sets up the Polar Exports Company.
1716 - After six shiploads of exports, the European market is flooded
with polar artifacts, including the phony ones making charlatans
rich. Seeing this decline, Claus decides to invest his money
by starting a toy company in his native Germany.
1720 - Claus Toys becomes the largest toy company in Germany, but
only because of Claus' underhanded business dealings. (It was
also rumored that Claus was dealing with enemy countries as
well) Competitors urged government officials to begin an
investigation.
1721 - Enough proof is found, and charges are drawn up against the
Claus Toys Company. Claus himself refuses to release his
records.
1722 - The German Supreme Court finds Claus guilty of tax evasion
and of treason. When news of this breaks, Claus' employees
all turn against him and his company.
1723 - Claus is exiled to Sicily, and shortly before leaving, he
absconds with all the company's funds.
1724 - A search party is sent to the Mediterranean to recover the
funds, however, Claus hears of this ahead of time, and he
and his Sicilian wife flee for their lives. (Some say he
went into Northern Africa, but it's generally assumed that
this was only a ruse to lure the searchers off course. He's
believed to have returned to his North Pole base)
1725 - Claus II is born en route to the North Pole.
1725-1734 - The Claus' lay low at the North Pole. Claus teaches
his son the arts of toymaking and business dealings.
1735 - Rumor has it that Claus has hired Scandinavian builders
to build a castle for him at the North Pole, making use
of almost half of the company funds.
1739 - The castle is finished, and is one of the largest in the
world. Claus II reaches his fifteenth birthday, and in
the same year, Claus' wife dies, accidentally falling from
a balcony in one of the castle's great halls.
1740 - Claus, mourning his wife, becomes increasingly ill.
1745 - Santa Claus II becomes of age, and begins taking care of
the castle and of his sick father.
1747 - Using the remaining company funds, Claus II builds a small
city around the castle to attract workers and craftsmen.
1748 - Word of the North Pole settlement reaches Europe. The Elves
of Eastern Europe, quickly becoming political outcasts and
striving for a better life, begin immigrating in waves to
the North Pole.
1753 - All the elves have left Eastern Europe and have become
firmly established at the North Pole. Claus II begins his
father's toy company once again, with an estimated 30,000
elves employed. Claus I dies, at age 89.
1755 - The North Pole officially becomes a nation, and Claus II
and his wife take the throne. The toy business continues
to flourish, and the elves enjoy prosperity. Claus III is
born.
1757 - The great stables are built, and scientists are secretly
hired by Claus II to begin an ambitious project - that of
breeding and training reindeer to fly.
1773 - The flying reindeer are achieved and become Claus II and
III's major form of transportation.
1774 - A mutant reindeer, named Rudolf, is born whose nose emits
light. He becomes an outcast of the reindeer society, and
is taken in by the Claus government. Claus II celebrates his
50th birthday, inviting several other world leaders for a
stay at his castle. To impress them, he displays a lavish show
of wealth, all at the elves' expense. He gives the other
leaders the impression of a dictatorship under the guise of
royalty. The elves sense this, and the seeds of rebellion
are planted.
1777 - As conditions become increasingly strict, the elves begin
to search for a leader to lead their revolt. Rudolf, still
in favor of the Claus government, sees their plight and
begins thinking of ways to use it to his advantage.
1784 - On his 60th birthday, Claus II takes a sleigh ride down
main street during the Christmas day parade, and is
assassinated by a radical faction of elves. Claus III,
now 29, takes over immediately and puts martial law into
effect for the whole North Pole. Civil war breaks out as
Rudolf leads the Elves in rebellion.
1785-1792 - The Seven-year Strike happens. The elves refuse to
make toys, and the Claus Toy Company nearly goes bankrupt,
as the North Pole hits an economic low. Claus III, fearing
for his life, becomes a prisoner of his own castle. Rudolf
rises to the peak of his power, and sets himself as leader
of the elven community.
1796 - Rudolf and his army unsuccessfully try to invade Norway.
Over 10,000 elves are killed.
1800 - Inside the castle, unbeknownst to the elves, Claus IV
is born.
1802 - After a string of political blunders, Rudolf senses that
he's quickly losing favor with the elves. Frosty the Snowman
is built, brought to life, and used as a political scapegoat.
1804 - Frosty the Snowman is melted at a public execution, and
the elves are calmed of their unrest, for the moment.
1819-1826 - After a long period of unrest, Rudolf is finally
ousted, and Claus III, aged 71, rightfully regains the
throne. Prince Claus IV is introduced to the elves publicly
for the first time.
1827-1841 - The Renormalization years. Claus III brings the near
bankrupt Claus Toys Company out of dormancy and appoints
his son as president. In order to clear their bad name and
make up for their out-of-the-way location, they decide to
start the hugest advertising campaign ever. Each Christmas,
Claus IV will ride throughout the world, distributing free
toys to children everywhere. The ad campaign becomes a hit,
but remains very costly.
1837 - Claus III dies.
1851 - As the annual ad campaign continues, deficits pile up, and
the elves are asked to work harder, longer hours and still
take a pay cut. They start to complain, but Claus assures
them he'll do all he can to help them. As a sign of goodwill,
Claus IV marries an Elven wife, strengthening the bonds
between the Claus family and the Elves.
1856 - Claus V is born. In order to celebrate, Claus IV decides
to stay at home, and so he suggests that department stores
use costumed employees to represent him. They do, and it
works out so well that he decides to do it every year.
1857-1867 - Claus V grows up, spending most of his time visiting
with his elf relatives and friends. Claus IV, who spends
most of his time building up the company, doesn't seem to
mind, in fact, he feels that it's good publicity.
1871 - Working conditions continue to worsen for the elves, and
they try to convince Claus V to overthrow his father and
give the government back to the elves.
1872 - Claus V usurps his father's throne, sending him to live
the remainder of his life under guard in the castle's west
wing.
1875 - After reading the works of Karl Marx, Claus V chooses
communism as the new form of government for the North Pole.
Some elves protest this, but they are successfully quieted.
(It's also because of communism that Santa Claus' suit later
changes from beige to red.)
1881 - Claus IV dies in captivity, just as the new Government gets
underway. His funeral isn't a large one.
1887 - In order to keep up with growing populations, Claus Toys
becomes industrialized. The elves learn the ways of mass
production on the assembly line.
1893 - Another mutant reindeer is born, and is named Rudolf II
in honor of the first one, whom the communist government
now honors for "giving the government back to the elves."
1900 - Sigmund Freud's "The Interpretation of Dreams" is published.
1902 - After he had been presumed dead for years, Frosty the Snowman
is claimed to have been sighted on several occasions. Throughout
the kingdom, children claim that they all heard him say he'd
be back again some day.
1906 - Claus VI is born. The Claus family celebrates, but the elves
aren't the least bit excited.
1909-1922 - The toys distributed yearly begin to show signs of
propaganda influence. Frosty the Snowman continues to appear
occasionally, and Claus V begins to grow uneasy, fearing some
sort of hidden sabotage.
1925 - Claus V dies, under mysterious circumstances. He's found
buried in the snow in the castle garden, frozen solid. Many
think it is the work of Frosty, but no one can prove it.
1926 - Claus VI takes over, and immediately tightens up security.
He rules with an iron hand, but a fair one. Electric lights
are installed in the streets, and the castle and the town
gets electricity. The factories are expanded, and the toys
continue to be used as propaganda for the world.
1929 - Angered by Claus' commercialization of Christmas, the Grinch
attempts to remove the material goods to show the true meaning
of Christmas. He fails, and later Claus commissions a cartoon,
which warps the story so that the Grinch is made out to be
the villain.
1949 - Claus VII is born.
1979 - Claus VI dies of natural causes.
1933-1990 - The North Pole remains stable, with everything running
smoothly. Across the Western world, a pattern starts to
emerge and become noticed. Children receive Claus' toys
each Christmas, but as they grow older, their parents throw
them away. Then, as the children grow into adults and have
children of their own, the toys start to surface again. And
so the cycle goes on.
1991 - First sightings of Anti-Claus.
1993 - Anti-Claus is observed closely with telescopes, and photographed.
His suit is like that of Santa Claus, but with the reds and
whites reversed. He carries a 3-ply Hefty bag full of gifts
no one wants or needs. And instead of using reindeer and a
sleigh, he rides in a bathtub pulled by eight flying cows.
1997 - Anti-Claus is radar tracked and found to live in an underground
hideout run by dwarves at the South Pole.
2002 - Communism fails utterly at the North Pole resulting from the
nature of the elves. Claus VII, flying clockwise around the
earth making the Christmas rounds, collides with Anti-Claus,
who was flying counterclockwise. A huge explosion and blinding
flash of light occurs, leading scientists to believe that they
annihilated each other.
2007 - The North Pole becomes a democracy, run wholly by the elves.
Christmas is no longer commercialized or exploited. Happiness
is finally achieved throughout the kingdom.
2011 - It's discovered that Claus VII didn't die in the explosion,
but merely made it appear so. From there he went to live in
the Bahamas. He's later found, dead of a heart attack, in a
jacuzzi with two and a half dozen nymphets.