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              In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times


Well folks, the year is barely 6 weeks old and already there have been
26 disaster declarations. Well... 27 if you include "Cutthroat Island".
Okay, 28 counting the Steelers' performance in the Super Bowl... well,
okay 29 if you add the Phil Gramm campaign...

Pat Buhcanan says there's no room on his campaign staff for racists or
sexists. Of coarse not, those positions were filled months ago.

Bob Dole has decided to do something about all the violence and
extremism on television. He's pulling his own ads.

Monday was Presidents day - the day we honor those famous American
patriots J.C. Penney and Montgomery Ward. If this is the day nobody in
Washington does any work, why don't we call it Vice Presidents Day?

More than a million people were in New Orleans this week for Mardi Gras.
It began with the traditional Running of the Falling Down Drunks.

The company that makes Dial soap is forming separate firms by breaking
itself in two. Don't you hate when that happens? I usually end up just
throwing both pieces away.

AT&T chairman Robert Allen recently laid off 40,000 workers. If he keeps
this up, pretty soon AT&T will stand for Allen & Two Temps.

The trial of Dr. Jack Kevorkian has began this week. He's charged with
assisting the suicides of 27 people. It would have been 28, but one man
survived. "I've never lost one before", said a distraught Kevorkian.

The four networks are discussing a possible new system of rating TV
shows. CBS says they are in favor of any system that will add to their
ratings.

Major league baseball is enlarging the strike zone to include the
kneecap. It's called the Tonya Harding rule.

A Michigan Senator is trying to remove prison televisions because
"prisoners shouldn't be entertained". I get the feeling it's been a long
time since the Sentator has watched TV.

A Texas man was awarded $6,000 after being bitten by a rattlesnake in a
Wal Mart store. Wal Mart employees were commended, however, for rushing
him through the "10 hours to live or less" checkout line.

All American crooner Pat Boone is planning a heavy metal album,
featuring songs by Megadeth, Metallica, Van Halen and others. Why not?
His music has always inspired ME to bang my head.

The fast food industry is in a high calorie arms race. Pizza Hut is
offering Triple Decker Pizza, McDonalds is testing a Triple
Cheeseburger, even Blue Cross is getting in on the act with its Triple
Bypass Supreme.

There was a huge toy fair last week in Manhattan. The Madonna Checkers
game was introduced with a new twist - you jump every man in sight.

A Domino's Pizza employee in Illinois has been charged with delivering
marijuana in addition to pizzas. What a great way to generate business -
especially if they deliver the pot first.

Heidi Fleiss frequent flier Charlie Sheen's marriage is breaking up
after only six months. Things never recovered after the first night of
their honeymoon, when he asked her if he could start a tab.

Broadway producers are following baby boomers all the way to the bank.
They're updating the musical, "Hair", only this time they're calling it
"Rogaine" - This is the dawning of the age of Minoxidil...

And finally, scientists have discovered how the Pharaohs of Egypt were
able to accumulate their great wealth. It was a pyramid scheme! (Perhaps
the first "SPAMming"?)