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Re-engineering , CYBERSLAYER.co.uk - jokes
MEMO
To: All Hospital Staff
From: Administration/Groundskeeping
Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures
Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each
charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of
ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in pharmacy. In addition to
routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the
hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the
parking areas.
In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the
security surveillance duties. The ward clerk will be responsible for watching
cardiac monitors and security monitors as well as regular duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let
their familes know to bring something or may make arrangements with Subway or
Pizza Hut to deliver. Coin-operated telephones will be available in patient
rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to
make.
Housekeeping and Physical Therapy will be combined. Mops will be issued to
those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of motion exercises as
well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also sign up
to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts on their
final bill. Time cards will be provided.
As you can see on the "from" line above, hospital administration is assuming
the groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling
his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound
of a lawnmower, weed-whacker, etc.
Maintenance is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the Time-Life
"How to..." series of maintenance books. These can be checked out from
administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units.
We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We
already have the volume on "Basic Wiring", but if a non-electrical problem
occurs, please try to handle it as best you can until the appropriate volume
arrives.
Cutbacks in phlebotomy staff will be accomidated by only performing
blood-related tests on patients who are already bleeding. Physicians will be
informed that they may order no more than two X-rays per patient stay. This is
due to the turn-around time required by Photomat. Two prints will be provided
for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from
the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Photomat will also honor competitors
coupons for one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across
any extra coupons please clip out and send these to ER.
In view of the hot summer temperatures, the Utilities Dept. has been,asked to
install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that
electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be
available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.
In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for collection of unused
fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients, and
the few remaining employees are asked to contribute discarded produce.
Pharmacy will utilize this for antibiotic production. These will be available
for purchase and, coincidentally, will soon be the only antibiotics on our
HMO's forumlary.