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 -smile, its the second best thing you can do with your lips
 -sex is like air, its not important unless you aren't getting any.
 -never take life seriously. nobody gets out alive anyways
 -if vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
 -no guts, no glory, no brain, same story.
 -cocain is gods way of telling you you make too much money.
 -lite beer is like making love in a canoe-f*cking close to water.
 -if quiters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool that
  first said "quit while you are ahead"?
 -if you don't die from it it is healthy.
 -never sleep with anyone crazier than you.
 -everybody should believe in something-i believe i'll have another drink.
 -it is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
 -if everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is going on.
 -sex is like snow.  you never know how many inches you are going to get,
  or how long it will last.
 -one good turn gets most of the blankets
 -there is no difference between a wise man and a fool when it comes to
love.
 -it is better to be looked over than to be overlooked
 -women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
 -why is there a lock on the door to 7-11? it is open 24 hours a day.
 -if con is the opposite of pro, then would the opposite of progress be
  congress?
 -duct tape is like the force-there is a light side and a dark side and it
  holds the universe together.
 -there are three kinds of people. those who count and those who can't.
 -it is not what a teenager know that bothers his parents. it is how he
 found out!
 -since blue and white is the international sign for handicapped, what
 does that say about the iowa licence plates?
 -my homework is like a juicy steak-rarely done.
 -there are two kinds of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.
 -if elvis were alive right now, he'd be scratching at the inside of his
 coffin.
 -life is sexually transmitted
 -everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die.
 -an unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
 if at first you dont succeed-give up! no use being a damn fool.
 -time is natures way of making sure that all the sh*t doesn't happen at
once.
 -falling in love is awfully simple.  falling out of love is simply awful
 -all things being equal, you lose.
 -you can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people
 some of the time, but you cant fool mom.
 -no job is so simple that it cannot be done wrong
 -you can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
 -only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.
 -everything is possible except skiing through revolving doors.
 -disco is to music what the etch-a-sketch is to art.
 -the sum of the intelligence on the planet is constand, but the
 population is increasing
 -Fundamental law of the universe.  nothing travels faster than a
 bouncing check.
 -the man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame
 it on