Chipmunks roasting on an open fire,
Jack Frost ripping off his clothes.
Yuletide singers being hung from a spire
And Mormons killing Eskimoes.
Everybody knows some handcuffs and a 2x4
Helps to make the season bright.
Tiny teens with their eyes all aglow
Know their parents won't be home tonight.
They know the axe is in the shed
And there are lots of people waiting to be dead.
And every cat and dog within a mile
Will learn to never trust a kid with a smile...
And so I'm offering this word of fear
To kids from one to ninety-two:
Although it's been said
Many times, many ways,
"Merry Christmas - You're screwed!"