Good news: You get an expensive designer bag.
Bad news: It's a colostomy bag.
Good news: Jack Kent Cooke has finally agreed to rename the Redskins.
Bad News: They're going to be called the Laurel "William Donald
Schaefers."
Good news: You traded in that gun for a new pair of expensive jogging
shoes.
Bad news: On your way out, you're shot by someone who wants your
shoes.
Good news: A thorough investigation of all available whitewater
company records exonerates the Clintons of any wrong doing.
Bad news: the White House Toilets are clogged.
Good news: Your dentist is very generous with nitrous oxide.
Bad news: He always asks you to disrobe and put on a paper gown.
Good news: In a high speed auto crash, an airbag saves your life.
Bad news: the doctor tells your mother you had on dirty underwear.
Good news: You just picked all the correct numbers in the Virginia
Lottery.
Bad news: you played them on the Maryland lottery.
The Bad news: Lorena found the filet knife.
The Good news: Lorena couldn't find the cheese grater.
Good news: God speaks to you.
Bad news: he wants you to sacrificed a loved one.
Good news: three ghosts visit you Christmas eve, and change your
life.
Bad news: Larry, Moe and Curley; and Moe puts your eye out...
Good news: Grandpa has been taken off the respirator and released
from the hospital.
Bad news: Because he's dead.
Good news: bacon is found to be good for you.
Bad news: only if boiled.