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                In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
                     Includes some late night humor
                        reprinted w/o permission


1996 was ushered in with a 6 foot 500 pound sphere covered with 12,000
rhinestones at Times Square in New York. Elvis lives!

For those still recovering from a weekend of football, here is the bowl
wrap up: The pretzel bowl was emptied in the first quarter, the punch
bowl had to be refilled at halftime, and Camilla Parker Bowles wants to
marry Prince Charles.

The government shutdown continues - protesting federal workers are
astonishing people with their obscene gestures. It's so rare to see a
civil servant lift a finger.

President Clinton caught some heat for playing golf while many federal
workers are still furloughed. A defensive Bill Clinton insisted he was
really working - he was helping OJ Simpson look for the real killer.

The 25 year old woman in Utah who masqueraded as a 13 year old boy was
sentenced to a year in jail. On the bright side, she has been invited to
stay at Michael Jackson's ranch when she gets out.

Senator Bob Dole says he grew up listening to the Beatles - of coarse,
he was yelling, "Turn that crap down!"

Senator Phil Gramm says he wants to put prisoners back to work. This is
great but what about getting jobs for law abiding citizens first?

Microsoft chief Bill Gates predicts that future street lights will be
equipped with security cameras to prevent crime. That certainly has
worked well at 7-Eleven, hasn't it?

Material witness Madonna took the stand to testify against the man
accused of stalking her. To avoid publicity, she went to the courtroom
incognito: she wore clothes. She was hesitant to appear, but gave in
when the judge promised to place her in handcuffs.

Victoria's Secret is being sued because they offered a bigger discount
to men than to women. The lingerie company disputes the charge, saying
it isn't the size of the discount, it's how you use it.

The Postal Service's newest celebrity stamp features James Dean. Perfect
timing: the government just raised the speed limit. The stamp shouldn't
be confused with the Jimmy Dean stamp, whose glue tastes like pork
sausage.

Two fertilizer giants, ICM Global and Vigoro, have agreed to merge. Both
stocks remain unchanged, but AirWick was up 17 points.

A recent survey shows that the 9mm handgun is the weapon of choice
among high school students. Isn't it nice that the kids today have
finally embraced the metric system?

America West airlines has laid off half of its mechanics. From now on,
passengers will be allowed two carry on items - as long as one of them
is a tool box.

And finally, yet another recent study found that women transplant
patients are more likely to reject livers from male donors. The same
study found that men have no problem accepting livers from women, they
just don't want to make a commitment.