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        One of the great mysteries that has puzzled men and women of the
current 15-25 year-old generation is the riddle of the smurfs.  Where
exactly did they come from?  How on earth do they reproduce?  Where did
Papa Smurf come from?  Is smucking a real smurf cultural event?  Here,
after several exhaustive minutes of study, is the most comprehensive
theory known to me, the author.
        First, smurfs are asexual, that is, in a natural state there is
no gender.  Smurf reproduction is via budding, and the "reproductive
organ" is nothing less than their stumpy blue tails.  Under the proper
circumstances (to be discussed later) a mature smurf's tail will fall off
and be placed in a safe area, where it will undergo cell division and
eventually develop into a full-grown smurf.
        Second, Smurfette is an artificial construction of Gargamel, and
upon her first appearance in the smurf village, no one knew what to make
of her.  The continuing struggle of various smurfs for Smurfette's
affections was actually founded upon competition for status and a unique
identity.  Let's face it, if you looked identical to some 99 other
beings, wouldn't you struggle to be different?  For example, Brainy and
Hefty are conversing, and a third smurf walks by with Smurfette on his
arm.  Brainy's annoying comment would run something like, "Look, it's
Weedwacker Smurf."  Hefty's response would be, "Which one, we all look
alike?"  and Brainy's snappy response would be, "The one whose walking
with Smurfette."  This phenomenon is also related to the intensively
competitive nature of smurf culture, to be discussed below.
        Third, Papa Smurf is so-called because he is the only parent of
the entire current smurf village.  The eventual return/arrival of Grandpa
Smurf gives a startling clue to the nature of smurf generations and
civilization.  As Papa says, "Grandpa Smurf was the Papa smurf when I
was [the normal smurf's] age."  Clearly, there is something amiss in
smurfdom, else where are the other smurfs of Papa's generation?  Grandpa
returns to THE smurf village, indicating that it is singular in
existence, thus any theories of smurf-swarming and the founding of many
smurf villages are inaccurate and ignore the testimony of the eldest
known smurf.
        Through large-scale consumption of caffeine, an unwillingness to
do real work, and an uncanny ability to recall completely pointless
Saturday morning cartoons, this researcher has reconstructed the
horrifying truths behind the lovable and innocent-seeming smurfs.
        The primordial smurf being was, in fact, a sentient form of slime
mold.  Over the millenia, this being developed into a mobile,
semi-humanoid entity which lived in symbiotic union with a particular
species of forest mushroom which, under the protosmurfs' care, grew to
immense proportions.  Over time, various segments of the original slime
mold would take on certain specialized characteristics which would allow
it to thrive and pass on its own genes.  Eventually, a highly codified
system of reproduction arose from the intense competition for resources
(specifically shelter in the rare mushrooms).
        Every generation, the living "normal" (ie, non-Papa) smurfs reach
a point of maturity wherein they begin to prey upon each other, killing
and feeding upon the weaker smurfs, until only a few remain.  These last
smurfs battle ferociously until there is only one smurf left (a little
known fact is that the makers of the "Highlander" movies derived some of
their background material from observation of smurf reproductive
rituals).  This smurf, if still healthy and capable of survival, then
ousts the Papa smurf (driving him from the village) and begins to "bud",
that is, its tail falls off, regrows, falls off, etc until there are
exactly 100 developing smurflings scattered throughout the village.
These early smurfs are placed near to a specific object or locality
within the village or surrounding forest.  As these smurflings develop,
they imprint that particular object or location, and it directly
influences their personal development and social roles in the smurf village.
If the smurf who triumphed over his village-mates is too weak or is too
severeley wounded to survive, the reigning Papa kills him and begins over
again.  Needless to say, there is much suspicion of the current Papa
Smurf's extensive knowledge of potions and magic (poison, anyone?), which
some believe is being used to retard the development of his village, thus
preventing him from being ousted.
        One of the greatest recent questions put to the smurfs is the
arrival of Baby Smurf.  Biologists' speculations fall into two main
categories.  The first is that the current crop of smurfs appears to be
severely damaged or too far imprinted with their tasks for any one to
become the next Papa Smurf.  Thus, to insure the continuation of the
species, Papa Smurf spontaneously budded again, this time producing a
smurfling which received no special upbringing, but was instead taught by
all.  The entire story of the arrival of a new smurf once in a blue moon
is nothing but a ridiculous attempt by Papa to hide its own fears
regarding its offspring.  Apparently, the current smurf village is
utterly unaware of the deadly biological instincts that will one day turn
them into raving, cannibalistic smurficides competing for reproductive
supremacy.  This conclusion is reached because Papa's story was widely
believed upon Baby Smurf's arrival.
        The second theory explaining Baby is that Papa's continous
exposure to deadly mutagens (in the form of magic potions and bizarre
drugs) has caused him to "malfunction" producing a new generation of
smurflings, of which Baby is only the first.  This theory is not
currently favored because of Papa's occasional remarks indicating that he
considers Baby to be his most likely successor.
        That, in a nutshell, is the latest theory on smurf biological
reproduction and cultural development.  Any further developments will be
duly reported.