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sesame street gone mad, CYBERSLAYER.co.uk - jokes
IMPORTANT BREAKING SESAME STREET NEWS!
AP Online
AP 11/17 2:55 EDT V055
Copyright 1994. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, the famed friendly muppet of Seseme
Street, has apparently gone on a rampage. Several muppets are known
to be dead; including Prarie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, and Bert -- long
time friend, roommate, and occasional lover of Ernie. The bird is now
reportedly holding Maria hostage in a five floor tenement near
Hooper's Store. New York City Police SWAT teams have surrounded the
building.
AP Online
AP 11/17 4:26 EDT V743
Copyright 1994. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, Seseme Street muppet, is reported dead at
this hour after an hour-and-a-half hostage standoff with New York
City Police. Kermit-The-Frog, Seseme Street Muppet on the scene,
reports that as police stormed the five story tenament building where
the bird was holding Maria hostage, Big Bird flew out an upper story
window at them in a Kamikaze-like attack. Police SWAT units brought
down the bird in a hail of automatic weapons fire. Dead are: Prairie
Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, Bert, and Big Bird. There is no information
available concerning Maria.
AP Online
AP 11/17 8:47 EDT V246
Copyright 1994. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) -- The Professor and his assistant, Beaker, muppet
chemists, have reportedly found angel dust in Big Bird's feed. Big
Bird was killed by Police early this morning after the bird went on a
killing spree on Seseme Street. Maria, taken hostage during the
ordeal, has survived unharmed. Three muppets were killed by the bird:
Prarie Dawn (a friendly, pig-tailed muppet girl-child), Oscar the
Grouch (a green garbage-can dwelling grumpy muppet) and Bert (the
famous gay paper clip collector and pigeon friend). Authorities in
the area report that the bad seed was purchased at the local
Hooper's.
AP Online
AP 11/17 11:15 EDT V543
Copyright 1994. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) -- Police are asking all motorists and humans to stay
away from Seseme Street today as tensions are running high among the
muppets. Many reportedly are outraged at the tainted food supply and
at how the police handled the hostage situation. According to
bystanders on the scene at the time, Mr. Snuffalupagus pleaded with
police to be allowed to talk Big Bird down. Instead, police stormed
the building with deadly results. Ernie is said to be despondent at
the loss of his good buddy Bert.
AP Online
AP 11/17 17:25 EDT V927
Copyright 1994. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) -- Violence erupted again on Seseme Street at five
o'clock this afternoon. As thousands of humans driving home took a
sightseeing tour of the scene of Big Bird's deadly rampage, muppets
became enraged. Hundreds of muppets, large and small, stalked the
streets and surrounded humans in their cars. In at least one case,
ten muppets pulled a motorist from his car and beat him with large,
styrofome letters. Police again arrived on the scene in force. At
this hour, quiet is restored -- but tensions are very high.
AP Online
AP 11/18 0:47 EDT V211
Copyright 1994. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) -- Police and fire units have been called to Seseme
Street. Reporters on the scene describe a nightmarish atmosphere.
Furry muppets ranging in size from only inches to seven feet in
height are looting Hooper's Store and firebombing the entire
neighborhood. Orange and blue firelight is rising over many
buildings. Cardboard backdrops, props, and storehouses full of
numbers and letters are burning to the ground. Muppets are taunting
firemen and police from windows high above the street with counting
and alphabet songs.
AP Online
AP 11/18 9:24 EDT V482
Copyright 1994. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) -- Morning light has brought an eerie calm to Seseme
Street after a night of rioting. Smoke rises from most buildings. On
the street, lifeless, crumpled fur lies in mute testiment of the
night of wild outrage. Unknown numbers of muppets have died or been
shot to death by Police in full riot gear. Here and there, a
muppet--still animated with life--can be seen staring at the
wreckage, or sweeping vacantly at the rubble. The Count was reported
running down the street crying and yelling, :"Ten, Ten Lifeless
Muppet Bodies!" No humans were killed in the rioting, although
several people reported rug-burns.
AP Online
AP 11/19 15:35 EDT V335
Copyright 1994. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) -- Ernie, gay friend and roommate of the murdered
muppet Bert, broke his two day silence today with a eulogy address at
a mass muppet funeral. The following is the complete transcript of
his address:
"I come here today to honor a man I loved. A man who was loved by
millions thoughout the world. Bert was a giant among muppets. His
paper-clip collection was viewed with awe by many of the world's
leaders. Just a few years ago, as President Clinton campaigned on
Sesame Street for the muppet vote, it was Bert who everyone turned to
for advice. It was Bert who told us all, "anyone who can hang as many
paperclips together as Bill Clinton, can certainly run the country.
"I also come here today to honor Big Bird. Bird was such a loving
creature. His large size and bright color alarmed many who first met
him, but it was his innocent and curious nature which taught us all
to love him. Bird wouldn't have wanted us to remember him, or to
memorialize him, with violence. All he ever wanted was for all
creatures to "just get along" with each other. Big Bird has come to a
bad end, friends, but is wasn't his fault. It was just some bad seed."