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28+ ways to pretend you're in the navy, CYBERSLAYER.co.uk - jokes
28+ Ways to simulate being in the Navy When You're at Home
1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication
should be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least three
weeks, discarding two of five.
2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like:
people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul language
like a child uses sugar on cereal.
3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside
world. Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from five
years ago to keep you abreast of current events.
4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (ie:
plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc.)
5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people
using the same commode.
6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.
7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one
dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or
look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.
9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that
your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.
10. Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play music
that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favorite CD.
11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a
roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance)
then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small
dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.
12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of
sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and nightcrew bump
around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to sure you are
tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that
randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a
new-wave rock band.
13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two
weeks before eating them.
14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or
none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.
15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run
around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.
16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a 'black
water system' boo-boo.
17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the faceshield
with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two
hours every fifth day especially when you are in the bathroom.
18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an
appliance apart and put it back together.
19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray,
white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of
these two rolls is wet all the time.
21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate
collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.
22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is
hard and stale.
23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city
slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for
the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four
hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after
he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin blanket for
warmth.
26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water
at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the
temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to 95 deg C.
27. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or
not.
xx. remind yourself every day: 'it's not just a job, _it's_an_adventure_!
xx. mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the de-sal plant on the
ship picking up jp5 in the intake -- if a lit match thrown into your coffee
pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene.
xx. Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader you know
read the morning paper outloud. Be sure to have him skip over anything
pertinent.
xx. Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car's radiator. Check the
tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure checks. Be sure to
place red tag on ignition stating "DANGER: DO NOT OPERATE" while you perform
these checks. Inform your neighbor as to the results of these checks, have
him tell you to repeat the checks because he did not see you perform them.
xx. Paint your house gray (exterior) include windows except for rooms you do
not frequent, paint your car gray, paint your driveway a different shade of
gray.
xx. Clean your house 'till there's absolutely not a speck of dust anywhere.
Call on a stranger to come inspect your house. Ensure stranger sees dust that
has collected in the time it took to find him. Stranger cannot leave until
he finds irrational fault with your house/belongings.
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