www.cyberslayer.co.uk

 


                              PICTURE THIS

 The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been
 broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers".  Under the govern-
 ment plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the
 first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy
 father; a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem
 by impregnating the wife.

 The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to
 arrive.  Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off.  The government man
 should be here soon."  Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer
 rings the bell................

  Ms Smith:  "Good morning."
  Salesman:  "Good morning, madam.  You don't know me, but I've come to..."
  Ms Smith:  "No need to explain,  I've been expecting you.
  Salesman:  "Really?  Well, good.  I've made a specialty of babies,
             especially twins."
  Ms Smith:  "That's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in
             and have a seat."
  Salesman:  (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
  Ms Smith:  "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this
             is the right thing to do."
  Salesman:  "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
  Ms Smith:  (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
  Salesman:  "Leave everything to me.  I usually try two in the bathtub, one
             on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.  Sometimes the
             living room floor allows the subject to really spread out."
  Ms Smith:  "Bathtub, living room floor?  No wonder it hasn't worked
             for Harry and me."
  Salesman:  "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time,
             but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven
             angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.  In fact,
             my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"
  Ms Smith:  "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
  Salesman:  "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take
             his time.  I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but
             you'd be disappointed with that."
  Ms Smith:  "Don't I know!  Have you had much success at this?"
  Salesman:  (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look
             at this picture.  Believe it or not, it was done on top of a
             bus in downtown London."
  Ms Smith:  "Oh, my!!"
  Salesman:  "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town.
             They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
             mother was so difficult to work with."
  Ms Smith:  "She was?"
  Salesman:  "Yes, I'm afraid so.  I finally had to take her down to
             Hyde Park to get the job done right.  I've never worked
             under such impossible conditions.  People were crowding
             around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
  Ms Smith:  "Four and five deep?"
  Salesman:  "Yes and for more than three hours, too.  The mother got so
             excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling
             at the crowd.  I couldn't concentrate.  I'm afraid I had to
             ask a couple of men restrain her.  By that time darkness was
             approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels
             began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
  Ms Smith:  "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
  Salesman:  "That's right, but it's all in a day's work.  I consider my
             work a pleasure.  I've spent years perfecting my patented
             technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in
             the front window of a big department store."
  Ms Smith:  "I just can't believe it."
  Salesman:  "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my
             tripod so that we can get to work."
  Ms Smith:  "TRIPOD?!?"
  Salesman:  "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on.
             It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm
             shooting.  Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!