www.cyberslayer.co.uk

 


By Bernice Kanner


"What are your bathroom fetishes and patterns? Is there hidden meaning in
the way you pull the paper or flush the toilet? Come peek in the john to
see how you compare.


How do you deal with toilet paper?

We're definitive about this. Men, you're especially more inclined to fold
the toilet tissue than to bunch it up or wrap it around your hand. More
than half regularly insert the roll so the paper will be pulled from over
the top. A quarter insist on the underneath pull. Only eight percent don't
know or care how the paper unfolds.


Do you leave the toilet seat down after you've peed?

Some 46.5 percent of men say they always put the seat down after they've
used the john, yet women say they always find it up. Just 14.6 percent of
men say they invariably leave the seat in the position where they've last
used it. Westerners and northeastern men seem slightly more considerate.


Do you sit on public toilets?

We mean, of course, without lining them with toilet tissue or a sanitary
seat cover. A third of us (slightly more women than men, but not
overwhelmingly so) would rather eat snakes than sit on an unknown,
unprotected seat. Some 34 percent, led by southerners (42.7 percent) and
northeasterners (39.7 percent), never sit on a public throne. Then there's
the 12.3 percent of the population that wouldn't give it a second thought.



Which stall do you choose?

Assuming they're all spotless, of course, rarely the first or last when
there are many options--like at an airport. The folks who stock the toilet
tissue in public johns can confirm that, when given two stalls, Americans
seem to prefer the one on their right. But when there are three, all of
them get pretty much the same use, with the middle getting slightly more
business.


Given a choice, do you use the handicapped stall?

More than half of us (55 percent) would do so only when the others are
occupied, because the seat is too high. It makes absolutely no difference
to 20 percent. Another 25 percent prefer it because it's roomier.


What do you do if there's no toilet paper?

To ward off this crisis, many of us (42 percent) check before committing
to the stall, and if there's no paper, we go elsewhere--or hold it. One
out of five of us even carry paper in our pockets for just such a
contingency. About 16 percent would summon the courage to ask next door.
Many people would scream and curse. Others would improvise with coarser
napkins or paper towels--even the crinkly paper wrapping the toilet roll
came in or, in a real pinch, the cardboard spool. One intrepid respondent
said if no one was around he'd sneak into another stall.


Do you go to the toilet on a schedule?

Nearly 12 percent of us claim we eliminate by the clock. On the other
hand, almost 20 percent of us can't immediately recall when we went last.
Most of us are on some sort of schedule, though it's hardly rigid. The
average person visits the john five to six times a day.


Do you run the water faucet to disguise the sound of pee?

More than one of every six of us turns on the tap to camouflage the sound
of a tinkle. Single folks are twice as conscientious as marrieds, and
younger people more concerned than elders.


Do you always wash your hands after going to the bathroom?

Parents of America, take pride. You (and the warning signs in all the
bathrooms in Chinese restaurants) have trained your children well. More
than half (54.2 percent) wash with soap and water all the time. A fourth
of us just rinse with water. Less than two percent admit they never wash
their hands after going.


Do you always flush?

When it's yellow let it mellow, when it's brown flush it down." That's the
motto almost one in every four of us lives by. Some 23.5 percent of us
admit we don't always flush, though richer people and midwesterners are
pretty close to sainthood here.


Do you flush while you're still sitting?

A third of us stay seated through the process, while two-thirds stand up
before finishing their business.


In a public john, what do you use to flush?

In the East, the sole or heel of the shoe is the preferred method. More
than half of us limber up and contort ourselves so that we can depress the
flush with our footwear. Westerners and midwesterners tend to use their
hands, and southerners wrap toilet tissue round theirs to ward off germs
and condensation--or worse.


We know you pee in the john, but where else?

There's a joke going around to define a schmuck--it's the guy who gets out
of the shower to take a pee. Americans seem to have taken that homily to
heart. Almost half of us--45.2 percent--pee in the shower, more even than
those (44.9 percent) who urinate in the ocean. Watch out for those young
single men. They're the least discriminatory about where to go.

We're a bit more reticent in a pool, but no need to hold the
chlorine--28.1 percent of us admit we pee there. Amazingly, midwesterners,
the most prissy of any region when it comes to letting go in the ocean,
are loosest of all about peeing in a pool. Almost one in three do, with
younger folks almost twice as likely to do so as elders.


What, other than use the facilities, do you do in the throne room?

Four out of ten of us read, one out of five smoke, 14 percent say they
listen to the radio, and eight percent chat on the phone.


Do you let Fido watch you pee?

Fido can come in the bathroom and watch the whole procedure, as far as
57.1 percent are concerned. There's no age or geographic disparity
precluding pets in the bathroom when their owners are using the
facilities.


Do you use the toilet with the door open?

Who would have imagined? More than half of us--53.9 percent--sometimes pee
with the door open, and another 7.7 percent always do--though poorer
people are twice as likely as the rich to keep an open-door policy, and
northeasterners are more than twice as prone as westerners. A third of
us--38.1 percent--wouldn't dream of ever leaving the door open.


Do you let someone else in the bathroom while using the toilet?

Alas, the last private domain of America has now been invaded. More than
half of us--55.2 percent--allow someone else to come into the bathroom
while we go. Interestingly, whether we're married or not doesn't seem to
make much of a difference.


When you use the toilet in the middle of the night, do you usually turn on
the light?

Maybe younger people are afraid of the dark, but they're considerably
(okay, 12 percent) more likely to flip on the light switch. Married folks,
perhaps because they know the way and their steps are well trodden, are
less likely to than singles. And women (is it confidence or
consideration?) seem pretty content to pee in the dark.


Do you peek in your host's bathroom cabinet?

Almost four out of ten (39 percent) can't resist their curiosity, while 60
percent say they do not snoop--and would not. (Singles and divorced folks
are almost twice as likely as marrieds to give in to this temptation, and
younger folks more inclined than their elders.) Some 77 percent were
disappointed--they could find nothing unusual in the cabinets. But others
report spotting more interesting items, including a dead rodent, a toupee,
a glass eye, and a gun. Amazingly, hosts must anticipate lookers, because
38 percent say they remove personal items from the cabinet before guests
arrive. And 17 percent of those who snuck glances into their host's
bathroom admit they've been caught. How do you get out of that one?



Copyright 1995 Penthouse International, Ltd. All Rights Reserved.